pandapaw

its almost 1 year since that horrid day
but im going back tomorrow for a check up
im dreeding
i hope nothing has moved i will be upset if it has
x-rays agen with that rude woman >>
i just want it to be over now and move on!

not much more to say im tired

i did go to the beach yesterday too
soo many people there my god

ill be honest with you guys
i dont like england much , i know its my home but
like at the beach yesterday there were people drinking in the day
when i say drink i meen alcahol
i meen alot not just the odd person half of the people there were eather drinking or had bottles of drink or smokeing
it saddens me that people are doing this so much now
i meen the odd time is ok , out with freinds or haveing a fun time
but every day and in daylight with childen around!
i went on the peir to get away from everyone, and it was nice, just to be closer to the ocean!
i wish i could jump in there :D! todays scosiaty is just upsetting!
like childen cant go out play! teens out on the street causeing nightmare for others!
crimes going on
im in a village but i hear this all the time on news or if im out places!
when i was young i reember things being kid freindly like ikea for example
loads of places were like that but no longer!
but just the drinking >.< i see the beach as a relaxing place to chill and admire the sceenery
but other see it as a place to get drunk and look at women in bikinis!
a natual spor ruined once agen by humans :( i wanna go to greece its so lovely there
the water is so clean and pure ^^
i also had a meal out with my mum , it was nice and the waitress was lovely to us and she was chatting to us xD!
i been bored and watched alot of abc today :3
ive also donated some money to a guy on youtube for his pet cat who sadly got hit by a car but is fine thank god, and needs to raise money for his cats treatment so i pitched in :D ^^

anyways laters all xxx
hugs and all that stuff

this took forever but i wanted to share these
please do not re post these
feel free to take them
if u want to share them ask me first



( scans this way mainly shota  )

i have had this for years and never watched it atall
consert dvds dont intrest me, i saw it on youtube years ago and dident enjoy it
so im selling it for people over sea are welcome to buy it if you want to!

here are the pictures :D
please dont ask me what adishion is it (yes i cant spell)
i dont know! if your a hsj fan i think you will know what one it is from the pictures :3









im selling it for £15 that includes shipping!

serious intrests only and first intrests will be taken
thank you x

i have so much jonnys stuff in my room

i wanted to ask
is anyone looking for anything in paticuler?

please do note anything related to abc-z and ya ya yah are not for sale xD

anything else im not fussed
:3

oh and there not free they will come at prices yo
then agen it depends what it is :P

yaaaa i got over that "issue" ages ago now :3
i realise its not me with the problem, i was upset about it!
but then after thinking about it ages ago, i thought danm
its not me after all.........meh :P people are gonna be that way thats fine i dont care
HATERS GONNA HATE!

this gurl is amazing you should sub her if u are on youtube
shes cute funny and repsects EVERYONE!


stay strong people and dont let the trolls get you down :P

and i hope everyone in japan are enjoying golden week ^^
take care and ill post more later :P
byes *hugs to all and to all and goodnight*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thats a mega typo right there with the title
i dont know what to say

was in the shop 1 min ago to get some paper for my freinds baby girl
she will have soon, im exsisted for her

the shop owner i know but she seemed very er not talkative like she is normaly chatty
dident know its because i have not seen her in ages or something else??
anyway i dont care :3 i look crap enough as it is :P with the stress i have on my sholders i dont need anymore!

wahhh only day off i have had this week , i had a good sleep for once
aww the hamsters awake :3

ohh my sister told me her bf might propose to her
how sweet right X3
i was like um ok "are you sure you wanna go ahead with this?"
because its a life changeing thing i guess lol
then agen its like there marryed already i meen they live together so a wedding is no diffrant
wow a wedding in my line of generation! god im getting old 0__o
its really strange! shes younger than me too!
do i have a bf?
no and i never had and i never plan a wedding eather! im not intrested
ooooooooooo *forever alone* :O
aww what so i dont have someone to order me around? lol
do the dishes
make me a sandwich
go to the room for sexy time
dont go out dressed like that
aww you seeing other men "wtf"

wow really >> why are men so grumpy
men scare me sometimes!
i dont wanna go into it!
if im gonna be with a man
he has to be the right one!


na i will find someone
lol i dont think so with a face like mine
though the thought is nice, to have a bf but ugh *wispers* i wish he was japanese :3
i have thought about a wedding i would like, IF i have one!
i dont like it when people go , oh i want a wedding like this when i am older!
and people say oh when will you get marryed?
like some japanese idols come out with things like when im 30 or 40!

ok no one knows when your gonna get marryed!
i dont, and i dont think i ever will , but i might
i dont put a age limit on when i wanna marry , it will happen when it happsns
if not then so what :3 im alright with it!
but the thought is nice

now then what kind of wedding will i have?
hmm well i love the greek look , its ment to be "romantic" right?
btw i hate romance
*giggles* "thats because you cant get a bf buhahahahaha*
oh jeeze thanks xD
english men never appeled to me so :P yeah

i rather be happy with someone i want insted of someone to be with for the sake of others or people who are desprate, please dont throw yourself at anyone because there is someone out there for all of us, good things come to people who wait!
because its just denying yourself, i see girls on tv like oh look i have a bf what do u have!
its like em ya sweety you have a bf but i can look at every guy i want without someone complaneing! xD
i love jonnys entertament! i would hate my other half going, stop watching the japanese guys on the net and sit with me!
whoooh mate you cant boss me around! i liked them wayyyyyyyyyyy before you, i told you this
we can have fun time later xD
if your with me dear you have to accept jonnys entertanment aswell xD!

so off track so ya the greek look!
the history side greek goddess kind of this with all water eliments in there aswell natrual and cultural aswell!
i love greece btw, been there 2 times and loved it, the food people and culture was lovely :D

so ya my wedding would be greek themed
but if the guy i marryed was japanese <333333333333333333333333 i would make it a japanese wedding! he can arrange everything!

changeing the subject
i have lost so much waight
i saw my reflection in the mirror and burst into tears
its true, i hate mirrors, i told a few people they think im crazy but its been this way since i was 11!
god i feel like a elderly lady, people sayed to me
"emma you look so skinny" i thought it was great, i felt really light but also weak aswell!
i only recently seen myself in the mirror, and god i look terrible
im really trying harder to eat now!
you have no idea how hard eatting is for me, i look at food sometimes and think i cant eat that >.< but i try :D i do!
and the stress is takeing its toll, im even whereing make up , i never do to hide the paleness and the dark eyes!
thanks all to this stupid operation, ya i have suffered from it but im gonna over come it, and try hard to eat and stuff i go out alot working but i need energy too!
i shower alot and my skin is toterly dry, i am a red head after all!
hmm i do need to take care of myself more and im trying :D

i just pray to god thats nothing moved, i dont sit properly and its probs moved something!
if so thats going under the knife agen and i cant do it!
it ends now and i will put my foot fowerd and try and make myself better agen
i know its been months now since the op but like the doctor sayed what you have had done is like being hit by a truck
oh oh really? "thanks for that doc, could of told me BEFORE >:("
shesh lol
anyway other peoples suport have helped me
some look at me like my god whats happend to you!
i really need to put on some waight ugh

um oh yeah i wanted to share this :3


( shun yen  )

i feel like a zombie right now

why is every day going so fast .............this time right now from yesterday it feels like it was 1 hour ago!

im so tired.........but i cant sleep >> because of pain and stuff
ugh ill be going back to the hospital that i had the op at for ....check ups
i hope nothing has moved!
i have come a long way from where i was so we just have to wait and see about that i guess

i really cant talk right now
my 8 yr old sister is really anouying me!
been working and i just need silance

oh i bought the new best stage er clippings :3
so when at some point will arrive i will scan them though :D
they look good i have to say
but whats with the hair >>
lol

thats not hard xD
since i heard the song i was like
epic, me and my freind danced to it xD so it would be our touch down japan theme music :3



what would yours be?

i loved the show it was amazing
ouch my jaw just clicked

anyway um about the show ya it was fun the theater was very tall in hight,(london colossium)
shun yen
the show lasted about 2 hours and it made me a little tearfull i have to be honest
1 part made my eyes water!
it kinda reminded me of how i felt!
a student was beaten up for standing up for his freind and his rights
then a gardian came down and brought him back to life! like an ancester or one of buddas helpers, she was a she :D
her clothes were amazing
the thugs came back and the gardian was behind him controling his body to attack these evil people! then a hole group came to beat him up and the stage set was a screen like cg computer done, and budda appered on the screen and some gardians came down and they got scared and ran off!
i related it to me because im intrested in gardian angels and at night i will kind of talk to myself hopeing the angels will hear me, *mostly like my uncle or great grandmother!*
i know thats sad but there u go
because they passed away!
when i see a feather i relate it to them!
so when something bad happens, i think of them and other people who are suffering more than me, i get upset because i think the person being horrible is so heartless and thinks its funny to pick on someone who is not so lucky in life health wise!

going a little off track saterday night i was ready for the show and a woman spoke to me very rudely, asked where i got my coat extra, and then sayed oh its ugly! :D
its terrible on you laughing crazy! as she walked off she was like 50 yrs old
my mum was there as she sayed it, she was toterly fumeing and wanted to hit her!
but shes a christian so agenst that!
i just thought if people are gonna be like that then so be it!
i just dont have the energy anymore to care about people like that >>
she made me feel like shit ^^ "thanks hun" *thumbs up*
ok ugh the coat was a lolita one
this: http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e135/minaminoyu/2009-01/71018PN-2.jpg

i toterly love it and i still do!
there are people a little older than me who wear clothes like this i even saw a woman ganguro in china town ages ago she looked 30 but i thought she was awesome
but everyone i meen everyone looked and 1 took it too far!
so thanks to that, i now have bought a new coat :) that i like :D
very french looking and eligent i think ^^
so im happy about that
other than her and a man on a train >>
i had a good time
going back to the show: the clothes and dances were great, they did alot of acrobatic stuff mostly the men but the girls were more intresting to watch with the clothes and the way they danced was very eligent ^^

the hotel was alright and i felt "safe" there, rather than the streets, but the area was rough!


i was really really worryed about the next day though about other people!
felt like a rabbit just wakeing up from hybernation if thats the right word!
i was fragile after saterday! but i had to carry on and stay possative
i met up with a freind of mine ^^ romi, my mum was with me aswell
because im still slightly in recovery mode! i rather go on my own but it was too risky to do that with all the people there! we went to camden town!
i have only been there once and dident get much of a chance to look around but i did sunday and we had a good time, the weather kept changeing!
We had lunch but i dident eat alot, though i should its hard still for me but im getting there!
it was so busy, we went into the cyberdog shop! its so loud u cant hear people speak in there, but i like it in there! mostly fr the music and randomness of it all!
over all i had a great time sunday and i enjoyed it more than saterday
i was so tired towards the end! plus i had work on monday

oh something happend monday too a woman was giveing me "advice" to look more attractive *sighs* she was trying to be nice but it came out really quite rude, so its all i needed
she was just saying oh u would look nice dear if u put your hair up!
a bit of lipstick! and your clothes are doing u no good, all black and dark! your skin is so pale! then she sayed, do you have a bf? i was like erm no but im not bothered!
she sayed im not suprised with you not makeing a effort of yourself
i was like :O ok now this is too far, im just glad i can still walk and move around! ok i wanna look nice but *sighs* i cant help the way i look!
i had to be nice to her but i was inside like *ok i cant handle this anymore*
so im seeing her agen tomorrow she sayed i need to dress white clothes and have more colour in my face with my hair up! i meen she seemed alright! and she was elderly she was only givening me advice but i really really dident need it after saterday!
i dont wanna go into the ward tomorrow, im gonna have to try and find a way to avoyed her!
she was one of those lovely but speak your mind kind of people?
ill dress in more uplifting clothes tomorrow but i hate haveing my hair up as it shows my ugly face so my hair is like a sheld xD

all i do is worry all the time, no wonder i look like this , even some strands of my hair fall out, i guess its lack of food but also worrying, its not helping me, im trying to stop that now!
i just am what i am and everyone else is who they are aswell! we just need to accept eachother in the world ^^

i feel a little bit like this at the moment

its here FINALY




not a good picture i know :3

my camra is fun to use! first time for me to own one, it scans peoples faces so i ended up takeing this too!
his face was shown in a square box on my camra, made me laugh